Old phone, who dis?You don't have a smartphone??? Man, what a dinosaur! You're missing out on so much! With a smartphone, you get to be wired in constantly, which is great because people can reach you at any time -- with the most inanely trivial things to say -- and you're expected to respond right away. Isn't that awesome?
Oh, and apps! Mindless social-media apps that remind you what an awesome life all of your friends are living. Plus, dating apps that help you forget how to interact with people in real life. Not to mention the effect it will have on your attention sp--
Sorry, just got an alert that someone I don't even remember meeting posted to Facebook for the first time in a while. What was I saying? Actually hang on, let me see what he said.